I feel like 50 came in like a wrecking ball despite my best efforts to temper the emotional affects. To give you a little back story, right before I turned 30 my sister died. She had leukemia which was a chemical mutation (that’s what all disease is, a chemical mutation) because of toxic chemical exposure. The specific toxic chemical exposure will remain a mystery. Her doctors speculated that it was our family’s location relative to the Chernobyl explosion. She was also active-duty military with a tour to the war in Bosnia under her belt. Our Dad is a Vietnam vet with Agent Orange exposure…did that do something? No one will ever know the truth.
My point in sharing all of that is that I came face to face with the fear of death, the fear of leaving my children behind, the fear of not getting my shit together and leaving a mess for everyone to clean up at a young age. When I turned 30 nothing made sense in my world. I was an emotional wreck and felt like everything was crumbling around me.
Somewhere in my brain I was convinced that the age was the problem!
I didn’t consider the circumstances around the age and show myself a little grace. That year I vowed that I would not be devastated by an age ever again! Because I fooled myself into believing that the number 30 was the problem I started saying “I’m almost 40” at age 37. I didn’t use the ages 37, 38, or 39…it was just “I’m almost 40” for three years. Turning 40 was a breeze!
A decade later, here we go again. This time since 50 seemed like such a monumental number, I figured I’d start that process a little earlier just to make sure there’d be smooth sailing. So again, I didn’t use the numbers 45 – 49. “I’m almost 50” was the mantra. I was talking to a friend about this strategy not too long ago and they asked, “was it really turning 30 or maybe all of the events surrounding that birthday?” Seriously, had I not considered that before now? Maybe on some other level I did but not in my consciousness that’s for sure!
So down the rabbit hole of learning and personal growth I went. I contemplated why I was afraid of aging:
- during meditation
- during my yoga teacher training
- of course, while talking to my trusted advisor (her real name is Mom)
I’ve concluded that being comfortable in my own skin is a challenge for me!
I’m sure we all have that one friend that just seems to be so comfortable in any situation. She’s super outgoing, speaks confidently, and doesn’t appear to be self-conscious at all. Cheers to her (or him)! That’s not me. Self-esteem and confidence issues can stem from body image issues, negative peers, trauma, and even earlier programming from messages at home. You are only stuck with a negative reel playing in your head if you choose to be.
My biggest takeaways on this specific journey are:
- Comparison is a huge joy thief! Just as so many don’t know my back story or personal challenges, I don’t know back story or personal challenges of most of the people I encounter either.
- Focus on the positive things I’ve accomplished. I have found that getting wrapped up in the what-ifs or punishing myself by revisiting the things that went wrong isn’t helpful. Those things are NEVER going to change, and it is a waste of time and energy that could be invested elsewhere.
- No one is perfect and everyone has issues! Focus on the things I can influence and leave the rest alone.
If you’re looking to start your journey of healing, wellness, and personal growth but aren’t sure where to start please book your discovery call by sending me a message. Feel free to join a yoga class – you can find the announcements/event dates by clicking the links to the social channels below or by subscribing to our newsletter.
Always looking out for your Long-Term Wellness!
Love, M